normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.