Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are