Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet