*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
How to properly lift a body
sensitive skin
2022 be like
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them