8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
You Might Also Like
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE