Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?