Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
when mom throws a party…
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
is nasa ok
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.