“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude