PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
CRYING
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done