A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate