time machine? you mean a clock?
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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.