Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
You Might Also Like
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering