A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that