[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
You Might Also Like
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
BaD BoY!!
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.