Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
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Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own