[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Terribly Tuesday.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I put the h in mysterious.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.