Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.