Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Not even remotely sorry.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.