They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Can. I. Help. You.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…