When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.