Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?