I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Meow