I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
🔦🌙👣
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
me after drinking all the wine:
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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