Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
emergency phone