me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods