If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”