[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Denise please return my vape pen
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
You wish you had this many chins.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”