doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
they split up moments later
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Does your wife know you’re single?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.