Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead