No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
This is the one
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
This did not end as expected.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.