IT’S-A ME,
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.