I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog