the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.