Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.