reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
This fish is cracking me up
Respect
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.