I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now