Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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My flabber has been gasted.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there