To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER