“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
my name if I was in the mob
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.