teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST