The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
handsome & gretel
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.