T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Does your wife know you’re single?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know