Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
When someone trying to leave me
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.