I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”