Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
No regrets in 2018
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
oh you wanna fight?!
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
$4 #usedbooks
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever