[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom