I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
stand with me against insufficient seating
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
HERE’S MARKY
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.