You Might Also Like
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that