My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!