Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
lol
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“what that mouth do?” complain
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.